If they can't kill you physically, they'll bully you to death

Be a good person, or else you might be ruining someone's life! You and I never know when we're going to die, so let's try to get even with others while we can. Don't go on vacation, don't go wherever you want to go until there's fairness in your life and everything's settled down, and don't simply do what it is that you want to do; think before you act. Also, don't let others triumph over you, or conquer you psychologically, or else you literally lose at life because your emotions will drag you deeper into the darkness. The people of this world are literally horrible; many of them aren't essentially people at all, but animals who want to kill you; if they can't do it physically, they'll try to do it psychologically! Another thing that I've learned in this life is, don't worry whether you have an unfair advantage over anyone or everyone; because if you don't at least get even with the world, then you're losing and dieing an extremely cruel death. In other words, it's much better to conquer over people, even though it will leave them lower than you, than to be conquered yourself. I feel constantly as though I'm in this situation, and I acknowledge the constant fact that I'm not allowed to die, although at least there's hope for you, that you will learn to avert such situations. I honestly wish today that I had died a while ago, so that I wouldn't have to experience even a moment of this horrible reality. Not only does society prohibit me from being dead, but my thoughts reflect the inner knowledge, one that I hadn't been aware of for years, that I have been mistreated by people. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say that. I can't even understand how cruel this world is, not just to people but also to animals. And I will never be able to understand just how cruel it is when one doesn't understand another one's suffering, in which situation I myself am tempted to think that the person who's the victim should have freedom of choice because of just how horrible the suffering is. Also, it's a cruel reality, at least in my case, that people seem to misperceive me, think that I'm depressed and all that, when at the core, there's actually a much worse problem. But then again, I suppose suffering is the way of life. And psychologists and therapists might ask me questions such as, "have I thought of hurting myself or others?" Why in the world is it that I would answer such a question as yes?! That's something I can't understand. But what needs to be understood is that the horrible thoughts that I have, either in the past or present, are just a disguise for something else that's happening. I think that a horrible situation in life, such as having the constant memory of being treated unfairly, manifests itself as despair, and the way things have been even in the beginning of my despair, I shouldn't except it to get any better. I sometimes wish that someone knew or remembered more than anyone else (such as a higher power) that could talk sense into either me or others, or perhaps all of us in the beginning of all of my problems. I had a feeling a while before I had any despair, that things would get worse. But since I didn't know why, I couldn't do anything about it, and that's why everything seems hopeless now. After all, I don't know how to go back in time, but if I could, I'd die for it. I feel as though when you're in the most horrible state possible, that the "demons" are trying to convince you and/or your close ones that it's actually a different problem. There is only way as I see it, to obtain back the life that was supposed to be: erase the past, erase memories. I can’t get back together with those who have been treating me unfairly though, and even erasing my past won’t solve it all. The situation in life needs to significantly change, so that you can essentially get rid of your memories by making right what’s wrong. I’m constantly dealing with that problem in my life; I’ve been out of High School for five years, but every moment since then has felt like a lifetime, because I came out of school unfairly and I’m no longer in contact with the people who I’ve known, the ones that’ve eventually caused me to have despair. So now every situation that I'm in isn't fair, because It only keeps me away from the situation that should arise, which is for me to reverse the situations when people have mistreated me. I can’t help but think these thoughts, because they are important and I keep getting further away from fairness merely by the change of time. So my lesson, if I haven’t mentioned already, is that if someone insults you or attacks you, try to get back at them or reverse the situation, because of the fact that we ourselves don’t know when we’ll die, and if we die in a car crash in a moment, for example, that will be the ultimate mark of unfairness. The “devil” is successful in my life in this way, and unless I get even with everyone, I will keep moving ever farther from those good emotions of the past. I know that you might argue that god’s real, and I can understand this; I'm not arguing anything. The problem, however, is that I can’t simply trust and be totally convinced that he exists and there will someday be justice. It’s YOU who needs to enact justice! Otherwise, life is torture because the “demons” have won, and you might not even be aware of it! So please, take my advice and don’t even think about the idea that others can conquer over you, because that’s the very definition of the most horrible thing that can ever happen. (Therapist asks me if I feel that the worst is going to happen. It already did.)