The world that should've been

First of all, this is a basic post. The last five or so years have been anything but good, anything but full of contentment. Yes, that's right, I haven't even known about contentment over the past few years. I have been in extreme anguish and despair and everything went out of control. Ever since, it's been like pain, except that it's not physical but psychological, or mental, pain. I couldn't be at all in college or at work, and my life, even today, is falling apart. I've had what I would best describe as nightmares, except that they happened during the day and they were more like thoughts although at the same time, they were more than thoughts; they were actual feelings, psychological feelings, that literally manifested themselves into what I describe as physical feeling. Yes, it was just like pain. In fact, I can't even control myself just thinking about them. I still fear the worst happening to me, which was extremely frequent in the past and is still ongoing. I frequently can't think of any of this as true, despite it being true. The nature of reality affects me deeply. It causes me immense physical and psychological pain, which I wish there was a way to control. I take medicines which I don't need and have been labeled as being either mentally unstable or depressed, none of which are true. As insane as this will sound, I wish that our society would focus less on society in general, and more on me. I feel abandoned because while our entire society is being concerned for, I feel like I'm being treated unfairly. And there is sadness as a result. Compare this to poor people, but this isn't about finances or economics, but instead this is about feeling well. I despise life and everything that comes with it. I still am what I originally was, and that is one hundred percent sane. There isn't even a slight hint of anything abnormal going on with me. Instead, my depression is a made-up byproduct of people's carelessness and indescribable nature towards me. Where have the times gone?! Once there was a world that was normal but I don't want to be in it no more. I wish that there was a way out so that I didn't suffer these permanent feelings that aren't showing any signs of receding in my lifetime. I feel like a lifetime of wasted time and it makes me feel condemned. I want to start over and begin a new life, but that would juts mean making my current life different life, never being able to get a new blank slate. 😢