understanding

I feel like I'm being punished for living this life that I've got. Why must I do so many things, and act in so many ways without any reward while despising what I do and how I act? And then it's as though I get punished for it; in fact, i'm punished because my time gets wasted. For me, every moment of wasted time is like a moment of death, because once I've wasted time, I cannot ever get it back. Time isn't something that's tangible, and that is the horrible truth. And so I have died many times before, but there's also another thing that I've noticed. And the other thing is that I'm also punished in this life for being a creative, artistic thinker, instead of thinking like a rational, mathematical thinker does; Life is so brutal in a way. When does all of this nonsense stop? There won't be any reprieve as far as I'm concerned. I feel like everyone is negative, or at least i'm something that's negative in this world. It's overwhelming in the fact that it's overwhelmingly true, and i don't want to be part of something that's negative. I wonder why this world is so negative, but I don't think that I will ever understand. There doesn't seem to be anything anymore that can be understood! I'm extremely stressed and nervous every moment, and so life isn't something enjoyable. I want to write creatively, not just about me and philosophy, but that is far flung reality. Time itself has seemed to move light years away from what once was like, when it seemed to extend infinitely.