Too little info too late

I have said too little too late. For five years I have been struggling and suffering. Why can't I get alleviated? I have the impression that I have died! Depressing, or maybe instead sad, music reminiscent of remembrance is my only source of solace in my life, because nothing else can be a painkiller! You still have the impression that everything's fine, when it hasn't been and I can't tolerate living like this. Depression is bad, but my life is even worse off than depression. That's because the pain that's in my life is simply pain that I can't feel, but it's still there! I have the impression that my difficult feelings had to be because I must've done something horrible. But I don't see any evidence for any wrongdoing on my part. So why do I deserve living like this? It's simply mind boggling! I wish that there was in fact such a thing as hope and happiness left in my life, but despair and anguish is consuming me. My life is an indescribable experience. Why must I be pressured by everyone to feel good, when it's not possible?! Seriously, there needs to be some kind of end to this. There needs to be a permanent disconnection from my circumstances.